I pawned my wedding ring
I will rarely post pictures of anything I own: cars, homes, or any other possessions.
BUT this, I must post, along with a confession that I am so ashamed of from many years ago!
**However, the gospel of Jesus Christ is evident in this; therefore, I will put this here before you.**
When Jonathan and I first got married, he wanted to get me a nice ring. I was 22, he was 24.
We barely had any money.
And yet, he bought me a single diamond ring with white gold.
I was happy he got it, but I wasn’t as appreciative as I should have been.
Early in my twenties, even though a professed Christian, I still struggled with serious anger, selfishness, various addictions, and always looking for an escape from residual anxieties, mental health issues, trauma, and depression.
We didn’t have a lot of money when we were first starting our family, but Jonathan worked so hard to keep a roof over our head.
We never went without.
Still, during those years, I always insisted upon a vacation.
I didn’t care where, but needed something “to look forward to.”
We would often use left over tax return money and left over student loan payments to try to get out of town each year.
Jonathan could do without an annual vacation, but he went to appease me.
One year, it didn’t look like it was going to happen.
But…I was bound and determined to go on a vacation.
So what did I do?
***(I feel so ashamed for what I’m about to tell you)***
I took my ring and pawned it.
I didn’t tell my husband.
I didn’t care. I just wanted a vacation.
Looking back, all I can say is, “So selfish. So stupid.”
I can’t even comprehend this amount of foolish impulse.
After I got the money, I called Jonathan and flippantly told him what I did. I even made the excuse, “it’s material, it’s not a big deal. Experiences in life are more important.”
So manipulative.
…and so callous to take Jonathan’s token of love for me and symbol of his covenant to me and toss it away for a ‘get-away.’
It reminds me of Esau who sold his birthright for a bowl of beans (Genesis).
It reminds me of Hosea’s wife, Gomer.
..but Jonathan never shamed me. He never threw it in my face.
Deep down, I hated what I did. I just didn’t know how else to get my need for peace met. I didn’t understand what it meant to follow Christ and obey Him.
Self-denial in marriage was not even in my vocabulary.
For years, I wore whatever I could find.
Several years went by.
Marriage was not easy.
Raising kids was not always glamorous or easy, either.
Tough times taught us both.
The hard years trained us both to deny ourselves.
We grew up into adults as we were parenting.
We learned how to love each other as we went about being married.
God molded us through many grueling years.
I praise God for it! Thank you, Lord, for pulling us through so much! We are blessed beyond measure.
And still… Anytime I thought about that ring, I felt ashamed for what I had done.
**At our 10 year anniversary, Jonathan purchased me a beautiful ring .**
More beautiful than before.
Over the last 5 years, he has kept adding to it.
We just celebrated our 15 year anniversary of marriage…and I am wearing a ring that looks like royalty.
It reminds me of a princess.
“Sarah means princess…that’s why it suits you.” Is what he tells me.
—This morning, as I was sitting here praying to the Lord, I was in tears.—-
I asked, “please show me how to receive your love.”
Sometimes it’s hard for me.
Then I looked down at my ring.
Undeserved, yet a symbol of redemption.
I saw in my mind…an image…of Christ putting His ring of love and covenant on my finger.
Undeserved.
Yet, more beautiful than what I had before.
More beautiful than what I had just flippantly given away.
I committed sin and got nothing but shame.
He then gifted me with something more beautiful.
But at the right time. 
This is the gospel.
This is Christ.
When the scriptures tell husbands in Ephesians to “love your wife as Christ loves the Church”- this is it.
My husband’s human love has been a witness of Christ’s perfect love for me.
I don’t deserve it.
I can only receive it.
Be encouraged.