When I thought I lost my salvation
Let me tell you a story:
It was 2018. This picture was captured at one of my lowest points in my life thus far.
It hit me. Out of nowhere….
I remember the moment it hit. A chaotic mind. Depression. Severe anxiety.
I was still a devout Christian. I had already walked through drug addiction and was in recovery for over 10 years.
I hadn’t been incarcerated in over 10 years.
I was a strong member of the Christian community.
Respected.
I had wisdom, training, and confidence.
But it hit me. “It” — I still can’t even explain what “it” was. Demonic? Mental break? Who knows. All I know is I was humbled by God.
Yes, this was allowed by God.
How do I know it was the Lord, you ask? Because He is sovereign. He allows what He allows.
It was like a Nebuchadnezzar humbling for 4 months. My thoughts were terrible, and I couldn’t shut them off. Truly, I was harassed mentally. I thought I had ‘lost’ my salvation, as I was confronted with the realities of my sin problem and the things my heart actually says.
The things I didn’t even see.
I didn’t realize how much the flesh truly resists anything good. (Which is why I find it comical when people say they are ‘good’— it’s ignorance at best.)
I saw it on full display in the spirit.
Here is an excerpt of what I wrote shortly after coming out of being put on my face:
“I went through incredible darkness from December to mid-April. It smacked me in the face, and I can almost tell you the moment it hit me. I was confronted face to face with my heart’s condition before my Lord and my God, and I couldn’t think or reason my way out of it. I converted to Christianity at age 19 and have been preaching Lord, Lord for many years. I have much zeal for God, but I was ignorant of the reality of what Christ actually accomplished and the realities of my sin problem.
There is a chasm between the human heart and the desire for Christ. I came face-to-face with that chasm. I didn’t know what to do or say. This was the first time I felt the terror of hell. This was the first time I couldn’t fix my thoughts without God’s help. I couldn’t reason without God’s help. I couldn’t rest without God’s help. I longed for a blissful ignorance. I felt like I was walking around in a bubble, waiting for destruction. I thought Hebrews 4:6 was me. But in that dark place, I called out to God. I have never screamed out “ABBA” in total desperation. I did for months. The only thing I could consider was my hypocrisy, all while saying “Lord, Lord!” I had turned to the law to try and save me, and it was of no avail.”
I could not get any real comfort from anything self-help. I could allow myself to be convinced of self-help techniques, but I would be insincere. I was cornered with my condition….”
This was the most vulnerable place I have ever been.
But did God crush me to destroy me?
Did he allow terror to come upon me just to punish me?
No, no, no.
He crushed me to deliver me.
You see, He knows the secret places in our hearts. Our hearts are laid bare before Him. He is the heart surgeon… and surgery is painful. As David puts it in Psalm 119:71,” It is good for me that I was afflicted, that I might learn your statutes.”
I was in a place I could not reason my way out of. In this place, I learned that even sanity comes from the hand of God. My mind completely collapsed.
It was like a nightmare that wouldn’t go away. It reminded me of a bad mushroom trip I had when I was 15. But… the entire time… God held me up.
I never “lost my mind”
I functioned.
I was comforted by His Spirit daily. Every day, I would get glimpses of His love.
I have never in my life been so low.
Later, I wrote this:
“Sometimes a spiritual awakening is not peaceful…often it is dreadful. I cannot acknowledge any other way to salvation because no other God can pardon like Christ. No other God died for me. No other God creates, shed His blood and has Risen. No other God can say, ‘you can do nothing to save yourself. But I can.’ Do not lose hope, do not lose the fight. Cling to the Word and promises of God with everything you have. He will deliver.
…I have been united to His sweetness again…”
I wouldn’t change that breaking for anything.
It taught me the realities of hell, the total gift of salvation, that God will never ‘drop me’ or forsake me - regardless of how I FEEL.
It taught me to lean on His word and not my own thoughts.
It taught me grace.
It taught me to be low.
It gave me a fire for Christ and a zeal for the True Gospel…
I have been restored!! I have been given victory over an enemy that was too strong for me. He crushed me, but only for a moment.
Remember, it wasn’t to destroy me. He’s a good God.
It was to give me life, to know spiritual realities, to discipline me, to give me life and to save my soul.
Christian, do you find yourself here?
Don’t lose hope. Don’t turn to your own thoughts.
Turn to God’s word. Trust His love.
“For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5